Since I have been going through the end of my marriage to my ex wife I have had a lot of time to soul search and try and figure out where to go next in my life. It has been very healing experience for me.
Relationships and Dating
For those of you who don’t know me, I haven’t really been single for any length of time since I was a junior in high school. I’ve never been one to do well alone, I have always felt that I needed a partner to be happy. Thankfully, I have grown up a lot since I was in high school. It was this kind of thoughts and behaviors that made the relationship with my ex-wife. I had been in a relationship with a woman that I truly loved, but it just wasn’t meant to be. I was heart broken and lonely. I felt that I needed to fill that gap with someone. Sadly that tied me up in a relationship that wasn’t for the glory of God, but for what I desired.
Because of what happened, I have become more dependent on my faith in Jesus. The more I seek him in this tragic situation the more I realize how broken I really am. I have major trust issues with anyone, especially when it comes to the children. My faith in Christ has risen, but my faith in people in general is nowhere near as strong as what it was. It leads to a lot of insecurity. I need time to not only heal my own wounds, but the wounds of my children as well. I need to be there for them and focus on helping them move beyond what happened. I need to become the father they need me to be. This will hopefully allow me to be the husband God wants me to be as well, assuming he even blesses me with another marriage.
I’ve met some wonderful women recently and in any other time I probably would have wanted a serious relationship with them, but as things stand now I can’t even imagine myself with another person. I am willing to admit that I’m just not ready for that kind of commitment with anyone right now. I need friends, good godly friends, both male and female to help me to grow into a more Christ-like image. I need to learn to display the image of grace and mercy to my children so that they may learn to have grace and mercy on others.
I need time to learn to be myself again, to find out who I am in Christ and build confidence in that.
I am currently around 130-150 pounds over weight. It tears at me, I don’t have the energy to do the things with the children that I want to do. I need to start my nutrition plan and work diligently towards my goal. Ideally I would like to have under a size 40 waist. I cannot remember the last time I was in a pant size that small. I am assuming it was sometime in middle school. I wore 40-42 pants all throughout high school.
I feel like I am setting a bad precedent for my children. I don’t like how unhealthy I am, and I am working to change it. No one else can do this for me. I am trying to find a support group around town here though because I don’t have the wherewithal to do it on my own. I need the support of a group to know that I can do it.
I’ve lost the weight before, but the end of my marriage really threw a wrench into those goals. Basically I have to start all over again. I need to change my lifestyle so I live a life that is pleasing to Christ and healthy for my body, the temple of the holy spirit. I know we all like to have our room, but I don’t think the Holy Spirit needs all the extra space my fat provides! (That was a fairly bad attempt at humor, sorry.)
I also need to have my wisdom teeth removed and several other teeth fixed or removed as well. I am hoping they can be fixed, but I am not certain. I haven’t been to the dentist in a very long time. I worry that the ACA/ObamaCare will actually make having them fixed much more difficult. I’ve been waiting for a long time to find a job that will provide the coverage I need at an affordable price, but the pricing will be changing next month because of the ACA requirements and I worry that it will once again be priced out of my reach. The health exchanges are a joke, they want me to pay $600 a month with a minimum 20,000 for the family out of pocket before they actually cover anything. Doesn’t seem like very affordable insurance to me, I’m better off not carrying it and paying for everything out of pocket. I can’t say that I’m all that surprised by this fact. Math being very logical you cannot insure more people for less money, it just doesn’t work that way.
Anyhow, that is all the time I have to write for now, I look to write another post in the next few days.