I am not certain that I have the title of this blog correct. I really do ramble from subject to subject, but a lot of what I write is either to help bring healing to myself or a way to sort out my thoughts in some type of logical progression. My post about finding the church was really about the struggle I am going though in finding a good church, but I felt like I needed to sort out all of my thoughts so they ended up in the blog entry.
I have gone through a lot, and I’ve always found writing to be very therapeutic. Its very healing for me, and I share my struggles because maybe some day someone will benefit from the honest assessment of what I have gone through. I pray that the Lord uses what I have gone through to bring healing and blessing to someone else.
In a lot of my posts I refer to “my ex” instead of calling her by her name. The reason for this is I don’t want to make her life miserable. When I am talking directly to friends and family I use her name. It was a prayer-filled decision.
Now that is all out of the way, on to the regular rambling!!
Forgiving the unforgivable
First off, I’d like to make it known that I forgive my ex of everything she has done, is doing, and will do wrong. This by no means is saying that I want to have a relationship with her again, but not forgiving her binds me. It puts my heart in a cell and it keeps me from healing. I already had forgiven her for the affair, and even the kidnapping of the children, but I have been struggling with her lack of interest in the children. I would periodically look at her public wall on Facebook and she would post some message about getting the kids back from me, or that she still loves the kids, or that she is a great mom. These things would drive me absolutely crazy. I would think to myself if she truly believes this then why doesn’t she call the kids? I would get so angry because of all of this. It caused me great anguish because I think about how it hurts my kids. There were also times that I would pick up my youngest and think to myself how she could throw it all away. How anyone could abandon their children is just inconceivable to me.
All of that said, I truly forgive her. My phone is available if she wants to call the kids, but it is on her to call. I am not going to worry myself about what she is doing anymore.
Romanticizing the past
I am really guilty of romanticizing the past. I see old relationships through rose colored goggles and completely ignore all of the bad stuff that happened with them. I struggled with this very recently the last time I looked at my ex’s profile. She seems really happy now, and for a moment I thought that I wish she would have been happy like that with me. My mind started racing about what if I did this, or what if I did that. Eventually through prayer, and self-evaluation I was able to put those thoughts aside and remember a much more true picture of how my marriage was.
The worst part is I have done this with several relationships, Jennifer and Trisha were by far the strongest, but almost every relationship I have had ended like this. I find that my mind doesn’t want to let go of what is familiar to it. New relationships can be very scary, and the old ones are comfortable and feel like they would fill a hole.
Now I am trying to study my past relationships and figure out what did and didn’t work and make improvements to myself so some day I can be a better husband, father, and all around person. I have never really known what I wanted in a woman. All I wanted was not to be alone. This has made for some very very poor dating decisions in my life. Even if I could date like I used to, I wouldn’t. I have more than just myself to think about now. I have my three children that I have to think of too.
So I may not know what I am looking for in a woman yet, but I certainly know a ton of stuff I am looking to avoid.
Grieving the loss of marriage
This one has been very difficult for me. I have felt like a shut-in for awhile now. I needed time to be alone and self-assess. I am onto a bit of depression and occasional bits of anger to deal with. I am taking my time to heal. One thing I learned from my relationship from my ex is to take the time and grieve. I didn’t do that with the end of my relationship with Jennifer and it put me into the relationship with my former wife. I never want to make that type of mistake again.
Now that I finally have insurance I am seeking out christian counseling on divorce, and slowly over time the wounds will heal. There are days that I don’t want to be alone and really want a relationship, but I won’t be ready for anything serious until those deep wounds are addressed and I learn what it is to be me.
A lot of people may call me weak for believing such things, but I will be weak to temptation if I don’t allow God to work these issues out in my life. I know that while I may be weak now, I will be a more Christ-like person when all is said and done.
One of the things I am quickly learning is the need to forgive myself. As I am dealing with my emotional roller-coaster things of the past are brought up. Sometimes these things are not so nice and can cause a lot of heart ache for me. The divorce hasn’t just brought up regrets from my marriage, but regrets from my whole life. As I seek the answers to why, some times I come across a much deeper seated problem than I ever would have imagined.
When Christ died on the cross taking my sin to forgive me, I no longer had the right to deny forgiveness to anyone, even myself. Knowing that God has forgiven me, is slowly allowing me to let go of things I’ve done in the past. It’s allowing me to forgive terrible sins that I felt were unforgivable. My sins were paid for by an innocent man to set me free of bondage, not to tie me down into it. I am a slave to my past no longer, and that is just another reason to praise God!
Becoming something new
I have been tied up in a relationship of one form or another for most of my adult life. I don’t really know who I am or what I like. It’s always been tied to someone else. It’s very freeing to learn to be me. There are things I’ve always wanted to try, but I couldn’t. I have become a new creation in Christ and I am no longer tied down by the sins of the past.
There is so much I want to learn and do. So much I want to see.
I want to try to learn fencing and/or kendo. I want to run a 5k. I want to learn how to dance. I want to take vocal lessons and learn how to sing. I really want to be part of a barber shop quartet! I know crazy right. I want to know what its like to go out with a woman and not need to get in her pants to feel like its a relationship that will work. I want to be able to run with the kids and play baseball or football, or whatever it is they want me to do.
However, I cannot do any of this without getting healthy. So to that end I am going to the doctor for the first time in God knows how long on the 24th of February. Additionally I am getting some counseling to help me deal with emotions from my whole life and the divorce. That starts next week.
I want to live the life that is pleasing to God!