Posted in Ramblings of a Single Dad

Broken

Good Evening,

Sorry it has been so long since I have written anything. I have been exceptionally busy with, well just being busy. This past week I have been forced to have a wake-up call. I’ve overburdened myself with things that just don’t matter.

Being sick stinks.

I missed work on Monday and Tuesday because I was ill. I slept all day and almost all night both days. I had been pushing myself to finish developing a website that needed to be published. Sure I had most of the coding done, but I didn’t slate out enough time to test it. I did other things that weren’t as important as the website and didn’t put in enough time before hand. I left myself in a panic. Thankfully most of the stuff is done and working, with some minor tweaks to go. Actually, I will be working on it when I’m done with this entry.

The next several days it was all I could do to get through the day at work and I would crash at home. I wasn’t very good for much of anything. I didn’t feel well enough to dad, I couldn’t play games with my friends, I couldn’t sit down and work on the website. All I could do was sleep.

Getting it done.

After sleeping for several hours yesterday afternoon with my youngest, I was able to stay up really late and get a ton of things fixed on the website. It was a huge relief. The truth is it let a big stress off of my shoulders. Its still not done, but the bulk of it is. I have to finish fixing the administration section, patching a couple of bugs in the user section, but its doing what it supposed to do.

Time to think

Being sick gave me plenty of time to think. A lot of time to reflect. Before today, I cannot honestly tell you the last time I picked up my Bible and read it. I haven’t been good about going to church either. I’ve been alone and isolated.

I do things with and for the kids, but outside of work that is all I do. I help them with their homework, during the school year. I try to keep the house clean, though I never have company. I play games and watch TV, though I have a ton of other more pressing things to work on.

My life hasn’t been bad, but its just been on auto pilot. My faith has quietly grown cold as Big Daddy Weave so eloquently put it.

I’m broken.

I’ve been trying for so long to prove to everyone, including myself that I’m alright. Really, honestly I’m not. I haven’t been able to mourn so much because I’ve tried to keep a positive outlook on things, but truthfully I need to mourn.

The end of my marriage was like a part of me dying, but so much more died than just my relationship with my ex-wife. When I moved back to be closer to my family, I lost some of the best friends I’ve ever had in my life. It’s not that I’m not friends with them anymore, but I never get to see them or talk to them. I miss them so much. I miss James and his steadfast words of advice. I miss Tom and his honesty and his brotherly love. I miss David and his never ending optimism. I miss Greg and always being there as a solid shoulder when I needed him. I miss my old church. They were with me during the hardest time of my life.

I’ve never allowed myself to mourn that loss of connection. I haven’t wanted to let it go. I’ve been mad at God because I’ve felt that He took that from me. Needless to say, it’s hindered my ability to find a church and make friends where I am now.

I have friends here that I’ve known my whole life, but I don’t feel like I know them anymore. I feel awkward around them because its been so long. I love my friends Steve and Sandi, but I feel like an imposition when I want to go up and visit. I feel like I bother my other friend Steve when I talk to him. Then there are my friends from my old church here. They were friends of my ex and mine, and its weird talking to them.

I know that a lot of this is just internal. I’ve never really known how to be a friend. I’ve always been awkward and socially clueless. Its why I’ve held on so tight to the friends that I’ve made. I love all of them like they are my family. The truth is I’ve never really felt like I fit in anywhere, but I would love to have friends that I can do things with. People I can go over to their houses or they come over to mine. I would love to have a grill-out and have tons of people over. I was always so envious that my dad could do that when I was a kid.

A while ago, and subsequent times I’ve heard it, I’ve sung the lyrics to a song as a prayer.

My prayer

“Keep Making Me” – Sidewalk Prophets

Make me broken
So I can be healed
‘Cause I’m so calloused
And now I can’t feel
I want to run to You
With heart wide open
Make me broken

Make me empty
So I can be filled
‘Cause I’m still holding
Onto my will
And I’m completed
When you are with me
Make me empty

[Chorus:]
‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making me

Make me lonely
So I can be Yours
‘Til I want no one
More than You, Lord
‘Cause in the darkness
I know You will hold me
Make me lonely

[Chorus]

‘Til You are my one desire
‘Til You are my one true love
‘Til You are my breath, my everything
Lord, please keep making,
I know You’ll keep making
Lord, please keep making me

Results of prayer

I think God has fulfilled the “Make me broken”, “Make me empty”, and “Make me lonely” parts. Now I pray for His healing. I want to feel His love and comfort the way I did when the kids were missing. I want my life to focus on Him. I want to be made into who He wants me to be.

I know this message isn’t the type of thing I normally post, or maybe it is. I will try and post more often, and some less depressing things.

 

God Bless