Posted in Ramblings of a Single Dad

First Crush and the future

First crush, and relationships of the future
Good Evening blog readers,
My last entry was about relationships, and there is another part coming when it comes to friendship, I just have been struggling with something for some time now. I’m not really certain on how to go about writing this post, so I will do what I always do and just ramble on.

The way I look at dating someone today is much different than it was when I was younger. I’m older. I’m a lot more jaded. I’m also a lot more cautious. I was in an unhealthy relationship for a great many years with my ex. My heart is a mess, and there are times that I yearn for something simple. Something basic. Something pure, something that is beyond all of the crap I’ve gone through.

A great many moons ago I had my first crush on a girl, one who intrigues me to this day. I really started noticing her in 7th grade, but I developed my crush in 8th grade math class. I’m a shy person now, but back then it was a thousand times worse. I flirted with her, but never could get up the courage to ask her out. I did all sorts of crazy stuff to try and have a chance to talk with her. It is all I wanted to do.

To me she was beautiful, smart, and funny. I just never could find a way to articulate that to her. I tried to get up the courage to ask her to a dance, and at the dances I tried to get up the courage to ask her to dance. At one dance I did manage to get a picture with her. I doubt she has any idea how happy that made me at the time. Even today I still smile when I stumble upon that photograph when I am looking for something else.

I did finally get up the courage to call her and ask her out once, but I was shot down. It was really tough on me, and then I find out that my friend called her repeatedly trying to get her to go out with me. I wasn’t very happy with him, but he was tired of hearing me talk about her I’m sure.

I moved on after that, I had other crushes, and dated other people. She always held a spot in my heart though. I admit that I was jealous of the way she talked to one of the other band members, but maybe that’s because I wanted to be friends with her like that. I can’t really say for sure, high school was a confusing time.

I knew I always thought fondly of her, but when I thought she was getting married it really spun me out. It has taken me a couple of months to really recover from that. It was also a good indicator that those feelings had weakened, but they were still there.

With much thought and prayer I decided that I couldn’t ever ask her out again. I know she isn’t the same person she was back then, but I think that if I did date her I could still develop feelings for her as she is now. That isn’t really the problem though, the problem is I wouldn’t subject her to my baggage. I’m divorced, have 3 wonderful kids, and quite frankly I’m a little odd and crazy. The only thing that’s good about me is my love of Jesus and everything that comes with it.

The realization that she isn’t the same person really sunk in when I saw a throwback Thursday picture on Facebook. She is still as beautiful to me now as she was then, but I realize how long ago that was. How long ago I developed this crush on her. It’s been almost 20 years.

God has used the trip of dealing with old unattended emotions to help me realize something. He’s given me a glimpse of the kind of relationship I want to have. One that isn’t all messed up with physical intimacy. If God sees fit for me to find someone and marry her, I want it to be the kind of relationship I wanted to have with this girl. I want to be able to talk with her and just have fun. I really want her to be my friend. I’m really thankful that God has given me this view.

I’ve done so much wrong in so many relationships over the years. To have this kind of relationship means I’m going to have to step way outside of my comfort zone. I’m going to have to open up and wear my heart on my sleeve, and pray to God that she doesn’t destroy it. I’m going to have to learn to trust again. Maybe, just maybe if I can find this kind of relationship God can use it to help me show my children what a good relationship looks like. They haven’t had a very good example up until now.
Well that’s all I have to say. This has been a fairly emotionally taxing post for me.
Have a good night and God bless.

Scott