Yesterday was a very rough day for me. It was rough in 2 different ways.
Firstly, I struggle with my oldest son. He has some serious anger issues. I have been struggling with him hitting his younger siblings and seeing absolutely nothing wrong with it. It really is getting to the point where I have to seriously consider if I need to put him into the foster care system to protect his younger siblings from him. It absolutely breaks my heart to be at this point with him. I love him. He’s my baby boy even though he is 13. I struggle so much with him though.
I spent the day heartbroken over that. I called and talked to his school, and then to health department, and network 180. Sadly, I make to much money for government aid with his issues, but I was turned onto a partial hospitalization program at a local mental health provider. They take my insurance, but it is going to cost a lot of money. I have decided to make this work regardless of the financial burden it will place on the family.
Now the second part is just as bad to me as the first. I know my ex loves the kids and I and just wants to help. She was very kind to offer her assistance, but it hurts so much. So in my pain I said some rather uncouth things that didn’t come out the way that I meant them. I over thought them and didn’t put my thoughts into what I said, and I ended up hurting her too.
I should have just told her the truth, that her financial assistance offer cut me to the core. It isn’t the kind of assistance I need from her. What I really need I know that she won’t provide for me anymore. The financial assistance to me just felt like a cheap substitute. I know she sees me hurting and struggling, and she was only trying to help. She had no idea how much it hurt me, and that wasn’t her fault, but my own. I should have just humbled my pride and told her the truth. Instead I write a poorly written email that I’ll never be able to undo the damage from.
Out of that, she told me we need to have some space and to not contact her until February. So I find myself with 43 days until I can speak with her again. I don’t really hold any hope that she’ll reconcile. She’s to far gone at this point. It doesn’t matter how much I love her if it isn’t returned.
So Lord willing I will take the next 43 days I hope to do the following:
- Put my oldest son through the partial hospitalization program
- Read / listen to the entire Bible
- Pray earnestly, and honestly.
- Write to connect with my soul
- Love on my children
- Try to figure out what my future goals will be now that the woman I love has abandoned our future together.
- Find one thing I’m grateful for daily and focus on that.
- Identify and try and root out sins in my life
My ex has encouraged me to seek a support network, but I think the next 43 days it will be best for me to walk alone with God.
Passing thoughts –
I want to finish this up with a song that I used to use as prayer for my heart. It seems fitting to use it again.
God make me broken so I can be healed. I’m so callous right now that I can’t feel. Make me empty Lord so I can be filled by you. It isn’t my will, but yours God. Lord make me lonely so I seek you, so that there is no one I desire more than you. Please Lord fill me with your grace and presence in the darkness when I’m all alone. I’m sorry that I’ve lost sight of it again.