I want to make some clarifications about things that I worry may be open to some misinterpretations. I love my ex, like crazy. By no means am I crazy obsessed with her. I’ve been writing to deal with my hurt, pain, and other emotions.
The relationship I had with her was far different than anything I could have ever imagined. A part of me wants to date again and to be close to someone, but right now its not what I need. I don’t know that I’ll honestly ever be able to have trust in someone like I did her again. It wouldn’t be fair to anyone right now, and nothing would be lasting.
I can’t pickup the pieces of my shattered heart again. I’m not even going to try anymore. My focus is on Jesus. Doubly so because what I desire is to not be alone, and that is a dangerous place to be.
I’ve rushed in so many times to fill the void in my heart. When I met my ex I was in a good place. Christ had done a lot of healing in my heart and had put me back together from a terrible divorce and some relationships that weren’t fair to the women I was with.
To be truthful, over the years I have left a trail of heartache with more individuals than I would care to admit on a public blog. In the past sex has always been an important part of my relationships. It was filling a hole, a lack of confidence in myself.
With this woman, I waited. I didn’t even really kiss her more than quick little peck kisses. I have never felt so safe and so loved as I did with her. I didn’t have sex to hide all of the insecurities. We walked through them together.
I think that is one of the things that hurts the most. She walked through the darkest parts of my life with me, and stayed through it all. She chose to walk away when none of that stuff was going on or even brought up. When I was completely and totally secure that she wouldn’t. I think that is partly why I am so devastated.
She knew me more than anyone else on this planet, and now she’s gone from my life. I highly doubt that she will ever come back to that position. With my past I never really deserved a woman like her anyhow.
Sadly, if I were to date anyone now, they would seem muted in comparison. She has a zest and a passion for life that so few do. It worked well with my appreciation for the small things that I gained when my kids were missing. She understands just how short and precious this life really is.
When we were first together God told me to just love her and to be happy with her for however long he saw fit to keep her in my life. So I’ll go back to that promise and just love her unconditionally, like I always have.
I said before I can’t pick up the pieces anymore, but God can use them to keep making me. Like in Psalm 51 I pray that the Lord makes me clean.
I pray that he makes a pure heart in me. I pray that he will restore the joy of salvation and a willing spirit to sustain me. That my broken heart and contrite spirit will not be despised by you. Father, you have shown me your love time and time again in my life. If it is in your good pleasure Father please restore to me a heart and a passion for you.