As some of you know, my engagement came to an abrupt end at the end of last year. I have been left to deal with all of the pain, sorrow, and heartache that goes with that.
Alas, I must admit that there are times I have become that crazy ex with this relationship. I think that had I been patient maybe she would have come back at some point, but my emotions run to strong and I lost myself in them a few times. Every time I lose myself in my emotions I say and do things that I regret. It pushes those I love further and further away from me. I let her into places of my heart that no one has ever been allowed to go before. I let myself trust her and be genuine with her. When she left, it tore me to shreds, and I have been trying to pick up the pieces and close that chapter of my life.
From my experience pain can really cause you to do one of two things. You can either become bitter, or you can become kind. It would have been very easy for me to be bitter. If I am honest, I was bitter for a short time, but I love her. I always will. As such, I hurt double. I hurt because she left, but I also hurt because I know she hurts too. My pain has made me kind, and compassionate.
As I look back over my life and contemplate what to do moving forward I am faced with the stark reality that my life has been full of sadness and pain. I cannot deny the fingerprints this has left on my life. There are very few bright moments that I remember. The pain always sticks with me.
- My earliest memories are of my dad leaving and going between my mom and dad’s house. My step-mother wasn’t really nice to us. She just tolerated us kids, barely.
- My closest friend betrayed me and became my biggest bully for years to come.
- My friend Amber moved away and I never heard from her again. I still wonder how she’s doing.
- I was absolutely horrible at PE. My classmates made fun of me so much for it.
- I had a teacher tell me that I would never amount to anything in life. Thanks Mrs. Martin.
- In 4th grade a bunch of boys ripped my pants off before school and shoved me down in the snow.
- Missing the cut off for KAMSC was devastating for me. I stopped caring about school at that point.
- I was coerced into doing sexual things with another boy when I was just barely in puberty.
- I felt so desperately alone in middle school that I cut myself regularly and wanted to die.
- I was publicly humiliated by a girl I asked out in high school. This still causes me issues with dating to this day.
- The other boy scouts made fun of me for being scared of raccoons. I had one that just wouldn’t leave my tent alone.
- I was so shy I never felt like I had any friends.
- The first woman I loved left and I was devastated by it.
- I got my ex-wife pregnant out of wed-lock and the church punished us even though we were trying to repent. They tried to convince us to give our child up for adoption since we really shouldn’t have been married.
- I married my ex-wife and she had affairs on me.
- She took off with the kids and ran off with another man.
- My fiance left.
Those are just a few of the ones that I struggle with the most. I could easily justify bitterness and hatred. I could be mean and cold. I could be like a stone.
By the grace of God I am not. All the pain has made me softer. It has made me kinder. I value life and love. It is so short, and so precious. I have so much of it to give. I want to have deep meaningful friendships. I want to be more kind, and more generous. I want to love a woman who loves me back. Who knows that I’m willing to walk through anything, if they just stay.
There is only one problem, all the pain has made me guarded too. I don’t really know how to make friends or to let people in to see my pain. I’m more than willing to help someone with their burdens, but I guard mine so close. Some day I will learn to trust others and let them in, but that my friends is a post for another day.