So I am writing these posts to help me open up and share the deepest and darkest parts of myself. I am currently working on finding a counselor and getting the help to walk through the things that I need. In an effort of self-reflection I write. I don’t mind sharing these dark things because I have the love of Christ to sustain me through. My hope is that by writing these out and sharing them that not only will I find healing, but maybe someone else will stumble across them and find solace in the fact they are not alone.
That dovetails in quite nicely with what I am planning to write about today. My fears. We all have them, some are irrational and others are warranted. I’ll start out with my biggest fear, and that is of truly being alone and unloved; abandoned by all of those who were supposed to care about me.
Many years ago my dad left my mom when I was really young. It messed with me. My dad wasn’t around and my mom didn’t really let us see him much at first. As we grew older he missed a whole lot of weekends with us and broke a lot of promises too. My mom worked all the time and my grandma really raised us. With my primary love languages being physical touch and quality time this made me feel so very alone. I wanted to be able to cuddle up next to my parents. I wanted lots of hugs and kisses, but neither of my parents were around much.
I also have a very sensitive soul. I’ve always cared for others, but I am not good with my emotions. I never have been. I wanted to explore and play with things, and I always wanted to have companions. However, the kids at school just seemed to compound my issues. They would hit me, call me names like Scotty Potty, and make fun of me relentlessly. I hung around the adults all the time and was labeled as a teachers pet. The reality was I just wanted adult attention. I wanted to be validated so badly by an adult. I never really received that validation from my peers.
When the few friends I had, like Amber, moved away I struggled with it. When my good friendships would drift apart and fall apart I didn’t know how to make new ones. When I was in 5th grade I made became really good friends with Steve. I was never quite sure if he were going to stay around. When I had my breakdown in Chicago he was there for me when no one else would. I’m morose about the fact that I never talk to him anymore.
Then I made friends with Tony, and through extension Ken and Matt. He was very good at dragging me out of my shell and making me do things I normally wouldn’t have done. I drove him nuts about my first crush so many times. She was all I could talk about. He still stayed my friend. Then he moved away our junior year of high school. We were’t really super close at that point, but we were still friends. It was another blow to me being close with anyone.
I could go into so many stories of girlfriends leaving and my insecurities, but I don’t really feel like writing a tome here.
The opposite side of that coin is that I have a hard time letting go. In the case of my children its a good thing. When my ex wife took off with them it led me to the search to find them. When it comes to things like relationships though, it has made me into the crazy ex more than a couple of times.What happens is that because I cherish my relatoinships and friendships so much I tend to put my own needs on the back burner. I put my own needs aside trying to make them happy, but eventually the insecurities start to show up.
With my ex-fiance it was manifesting itself as wanting to see her more. I should have told her that I needed more quality time together and explained to her what kind of physical touch I needed rather than just letting her do what she was comfortable with. When I talk about physical touch, I’m not talking about sex either. I mean t does work, but I’m talking about things like sitting on my lap or cuddling up with me. Coming up up behind me and putting her arms around me. Stealing a kiss when I’m not looking. I hate being the one that always initiates touch. I should have explained all of these things to her, but I didn’t. I was too worried about how she would respond.
This is where my fears manifest the most. I give so much of myself, but never ask for anything in return. I am to afraid that asking for anything would inconvenience the other person and they would not want to be my friend anymore. I realize these aren’t healthy relationships or thoughts, but its how I’ve been. So when people leave me, like my ex did, after having denied my own desires so much they come spewing out. I can’t deny them any longer and it breaks me. Then I end up saying stupid things because I’m lost in the torrent of those emotions. I’m trying to hold onto what is gone. If I would just learn to let things go maybe they would have come back. Instead I just break them because I’m broken too.
I have two other big fears that paralyze me. One is the rejection of physical touch. If I go to give someone a hug and they recoil it hurts me. When someone hits me it hurts me twice. It hurts physical, but emotionally as well. It is being the antithesis of what I actually need. It says you hate me rather than you love me.
My other fear is of asking women out. I have always had this issue. It always took me a lot to get up the courage to ask a woman out, but there was one that went out of her way to humiliate me. She was a freshman and I was a senior. She led me to believe she was interested in me, but she used me. She used me for rides and other things. She flirted with me and acted like she liked me, but when I asked her out she publicly humiliated and shamed me. She made a big deal out of it, and loud enough that a bunch of other people around us could hear too.
I still struggle with not being good enough. I suppose those fears really fall into line with the others as well. I apologize all of the time for things that don’t require it. I’m overly cautious for it.
I think I’m going to wrap this up for tonight, but if you made it this far, thank you for spending the time to read it. I have a feeling there will be several more of these posts coming in the next few days. I’m trying to sort through my emotions and get a better understanding of them. Trying to learn how to deal with them in healthier ways.