As I sit here in my bed I am reflecting on how much I miss my ex-fiance and how badly I messed up something that was so good and good for me. Had I been able to be patient and not crazy, maybe just maybe things could have been different. The cold hard truth is that I became that crazy ex and she will never ever be able to trust me again.
Our last conversation ended in “Then you should probably stop messaging me.” At which point she blocked me. Yep, I became THAT guy. The one you no longer want to talk to. In this case it happened because I asked her not to use the friend moniker. Our conversation really had been fine up until then. I knew that we wouldn’t be anything but friends and was struggling to accept it, but I asked her to not use it and then it led into a whole lot of words out of pain towards her. I can’t determine what her mind was on it. I don’t know if she was trying to be mean or not, but the sentences she said would have been fine without adding that moniker to it. I asked her to not use it because it hurt to hear her say it. What a small piddly thing to get into it over right? To me it was like being stabbed through the heart and twisting a knife.
I hadn’t been able to just leave her alone, but in my mind I have caused her so much pain I wouldn’t expect her to ever want to speak to me again. Honestly, I think I subconsciously purposely try and destroy anything that might have been so hope can die. This isn’t the first time I’ve been the crazy ex either. So I’ve been trying to unpack and figure out the why. I don’t want to be this way. I just suffer so much when someone leaves.
So I have been doing self reflecting and know that while in my younger years this may have been the case it is not the same now. I have spent a lot of time in counseling and self-reflection over the last many years. Plus I refuse to go anywhere near anything that looks like dependence. So why in this case did I go crazy?
I think that crazy isn’t really the label I’d use for it from my end. I didn’t truly go crazy, but I did lose myself in my emotions. I’m not stalking her, if anything I try and avoid anything that may have caused me to see her. I hurt so much from her leaving that I literally could not process the pain. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t focus, and I couldn’t deal with it. My whole world and dreams had come crashing down, and not just for me, but for the kids.
I tend to try and quash my emotions and put other people first. I knew my ex was hurting and needed space, but she had been hurting for awhile. I was trying to be supportive and was setting my own needs aside to try and support her. This was probably the first mistake I made. I had decided a couple of days before the breakup that I was really insecure and I was going to talk to her about my needs. Unfortunately it was too little to late. My insecurities had shown and rather than being able to help her, it had actually pushed her away. I honestly wouldn’t have remembered this if I hadn’t written it in my journal.
Anyhow, so what do I do when she decides to break up with me? Well first I try to bottle my own emotions and subvert my own feelings. I didn’t want our relationship to end so I start trying to find ways to make it work. Obviously I failed. Then in pain I make some stupid ass comment and that gets her to say, you know maybe we shouldn’t talk for some time.
That was really the start of the spiral of doom I think. I didn’t talk to her every day, but I had still been able to talk to her. I had been able to know she was alright, and while not knowing all the details of her life, I was still in her life. This was something of a more permanent step of removal in my mind. It was just one more step away from ever being able to reconcile, and one step closer to being abandoned. I think that honestly, had I given her space here we would have probably ended up back together.
But alas this was not to be the case. I couldn’t leave her alone. I would send her messages and stuff, and didn’t give her the space she needed. I was still hurting from subverting my own desires and needs. To top that off I was experiencing issues with my oldest son at home. I have never really had a big support network of friends and she was my best friend. I really needed her because I hadn’t let anyone else in enough to be willing to share how I was feeling. I was also going through the betrayal of a close friend of mine as well.
All I had wanted to do was be held. I wanted to be loved and to be told it was going to be alright. My ex was the only person I had at that time that could have filled the role, and she wasn’t capable of doing it. I pushed for it because there was no one else that I trusted enough to let in or to touch me for that matter.
Mistake #2, through all of that pain I realize that I would never be able to be just friends with her. I make arrangements to get the rest of the kids and my stuff from her house and try to sever ties then. Further isolating myself, and trying to protect myself from the pain that I was in. Trying to bottle it all up and not dealing with it.
Mistake #3, communicating with her in writing rather than in person. If its not clear by now, I obviously don’t filter myself very well in writing. I do get more full and complete thoughts, but they are one sided. I can’t know what the other person is thinking and / or feeling. Its a one sided conversation, and even if it was immediate responses, there is no inflection to them. I should have made an effort to talk to her in person and resolve things.
Mistake #4, being all over the place and conflicting with my emotions. I tried to bottle up my emotions and pretend to be okay for her. I struggled with bitterness and resentment. I was trying not to hurt her anymore because I knew how much she was hurting. It led to a heated email exchange though. Had I not been hurting so much and in such avoidance mode I would have seen her ask for me to go to counseling as a step of reconciliation. Instead it felt to me that she was saying there is something wrong with you, and you’re not good enough for me.
Mistake #5, responding to that email immediately. Yep here is where I really made an ass of myself. Really blew holes in any chance of reconciliation. It ended up with me saying I never wanted to talk to her again because it was going to lead to one or both of us hating each other.
Mistake #6, So her work is on my way home from anywhere in town. To not drive by it is a big inconvenience for me. It adds several minutes to my drive to not drive by it. I do make an effort to purposely avoid it in the hours she is working, but otherwise I still take it. Anyhow, I was coming back at 10:30 at night and saw her car in the lot. I was concerned about her and sent a message. that message led to a few more messages and eventually into the exchange where my emotions truly broke free from where I had been suppressing them.
When I realized what happened, I broke everything. It was to late for me to fix it. It was to late for me to be honest or get help. My relationship with her has been forever destroyed, and it would take an act of God on her heart to ever have her trust me again. If I were in her shoes, I would feel that way too.
There are a couple of other big mistakes that are longer term ones. I think had I dealt with these a longtime ago I wouldn’t be where I am today. The biggest mistake I made is isolating myself. I’m an introverted person and I do enjoy my time alone, but I need to force myself to make friends and to have people to share the load with. It wasn’t fair to her that she was the only person I could share with. Even a couple more would have been more than sufficient.
The Bible sums up my situation fairly well in Ecclesiastes 4
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
Pity to me who had no one to help him up.
I can’t fix the mistakes I made with my ex fiance and make our relationship whole and right. All I can do is move forward. I am going to fix my long term mistake however. I am going to build a network of friends. I am going to let people in close no matter how hard it may be. Even if some leave or cause me pain, I will have enough friends to share the burden with. I want the sweet friendships that is talked about in proverbs 27. I want ones the refresh my soul.
Anyhow, that is all I have time to write. Thank you for taking the time to read.