Tonight, I watched the movie Inside Out, and it has been awhile since I have sat and watched it. I see the way that Joy treats Sadness. She puts her in a circle, and does all sorts of bad things to try and suppress her during the movie. The sadness circle reminds me of me. I tend to run full on joy, and most of the time honestly things don’t get me down. Tonight, however, I am sitting here alone in my basement and I’m sad. I miss my former best friend so much.
There are so many things I miss. I miss our phone calls every night. Talking with each other about our day and investing time in one another. The stories we would share about work, our days, our families, hopes, dreams, aspirations, whatever it may have been. I miss reading the Bible with her every night. I miss the good morning I love you text messages.
I miss how she would inspire me, and pull me out of my shell. I miss the way she would laugh and get excited about silly things like removing a stray hair. I miss the way she trusted me and genuinely valued my opinion. God, what have I done? I could go on and one about the things I miss about her being in my life, but really its just that I miss her. I valued her so much, and I just couldn’t show it through the pain.
I am really struggling with hating myself right now for what I’ve done. I don’t know that I’ve regretted anything more.Its why I’m working on myself and writing all of these posts. Its why I’m working on getting counseling. If I’m ever blessed enough to have a second chance, or another good and healthy relationship I want to be healthy for it. I’m not trying to change for her at this point. I’m trying to change for me.
I’m working on learning its okay to be sad too. I have always had such joy. I have messed up so much and the Lord has forgiven me of so much. I normally am filled with a joy that I can’t contain, but I haven’t felt that joy in sometime. I’ve only felt the hurt, and the sadness. I tried to suppress it, and it only made a big mess of things. There is a place for sadness in my life too.
Now is the time where I need friends. I need friends that listen to my sadness and help cheer me up. I need friends who distract me by playing games or dancing with me. I need friends that see the value in me beyond my mistakes. Like in the movie, sadness is a good and helpful emotion. It lets others know you need help. It allows you to heal.