Posted in Blog Posts

Days of Gratitude

As I continue to walk through all of my emotions I think it is important to take time and pause for moments and days of gratitude. Right now as I walk through depression it is doubly important to spend time focusing all of the positive things in my life.

I am super thankful for being a dad. My kids inspire me and make me grow every day. It isn’t always easy having sole custody of my 3 precious ones, but I wouldn’t trade having them for anything in this world.


Posted in Blog Posts, Ramblings


Image result for inside out sadness circle

Tonight, I watched the movie Inside Out, and it has been awhile since I have sat and watched it. I see the way that Joy treats Sadness. She puts her in a circle, and does all sorts of bad things to try and suppress her during the movie. The sadness circle reminds me of me. I tend to run full on joy, and most of the time honestly things don’t get me down. Tonight, however, I am sitting here alone in my basement and I’m sad. I miss my former best friend so much.

There are so many things I miss. I miss our phone calls every night. Talking with each other about our day and investing time in one another. The stories we would share about work, our days, our families, hopes, dreams, aspirations, whatever it may have been. I miss reading the Bible with her every night. I miss the good morning I love you text messages.

I miss how she would inspire me, and pull me out of my shell. I miss the way she would laugh and get excited about silly things like removing a stray hair. I miss the way she trusted me and genuinely valued my opinion. God, what have I done? I could go on and one about the things I miss about her being in my life, but really its just that I miss her. I valued her so much, and I just couldn’t show it through the pain.

I am really struggling with hating myself right now for what I’ve done. I don’t know that I’ve regretted anything more.Its why I’m working on myself and writing all of these posts. Its why I’m working on getting counseling. If I’m ever blessed enough to have a second chance, or another good and healthy relationship I want to be healthy for it. I’m not trying to change for her at this point. I’m trying to change for me.

I’m working on learning its okay to be sad too. I have always had such joy. I have messed up so much and the Lord has forgiven me of so much. I normally am filled with a joy that I can’t contain, but I haven’t felt that joy in sometime. I’ve only felt the hurt, and the sadness. I tried to suppress it, and it only made a big mess of things. There is a place for sadness in my life too.

Now is the time where I need friends. I need friends that listen to my sadness and help cheer me up. I need friends who distract me by playing games or dancing with me. I need friends that see the value in me beyond my mistakes. Like in the movie, sadness is a good and helpful emotion. It lets others know you need help. It allows you to heal.

Posted in Blog Posts, Ramblings

Being the crazy ex

Image result for crazy

As I sit here in my bed I am reflecting on how much I miss my ex-fiance and how badly I messed up something that was so good and good for me. Had I been able to be patient and not crazy, maybe just maybe things could have been different. The cold hard truth is that I became that crazy ex and she will never ever be able to trust me again.

Our last conversation ended in “Then you should probably stop messaging me.” At which point she blocked me. Yep, I became THAT guy. The one you no longer want to talk to. In this case it happened because I asked her not to use the friend moniker. Our conversation really had been fine up until then. I knew that we wouldn’t be anything but friends and was struggling to accept it, but I asked her to not use it and then it led into a whole lot of words out of pain towards her. I can’t determine what her mind was on it. I don’t know if she was trying to be mean or not, but the sentences she said would have been fine without adding that moniker to it. I asked her to not use it because it hurt to hear her say it. What a small piddly thing to get into it over right? To me it was like being stabbed through the heart and twisting a knife.

I hadn’t been able to just leave her alone, but in my mind I have caused her so much pain I wouldn’t expect her to ever want to speak to me again. Honestly, I think I subconsciously purposely try and destroy anything that might have been so hope can die. This isn’t the first time I’ve been the crazy ex either. So I’ve been trying to unpack and figure out the why. I don’t want to be this way. I just suffer so much when someone leaves.

So I have been doing self reflecting and know that while in my younger years this may have been the case it is not the same now. I have spent a lot of time in counseling and self-reflection over the last many years. Plus I refuse to go anywhere near anything that looks like dependence. So why in this case did I go crazy?

I think that crazy isn’t really the label I’d use for it from my end. I didn’t truly go crazy, but I did lose myself in my emotions. I’m not stalking her, if anything I try and avoid anything that may have caused me to see her. I hurt so much from her leaving that I literally could not process the pain. I couldn’t breath, I couldn’t focus, and I couldn’t deal with it. My whole world and dreams had come crashing down, and not just for me, but for the kids.

I tend to try and quash my emotions and put other people first. I knew my ex was hurting and needed space, but she had been hurting for awhile. I was trying to be supportive and was setting my own needs aside to try and support her. This was probably the first mistake I made. I had decided a couple of days before the breakup that I was really insecure and I was going to talk to her about my needs. Unfortunately it was too little to late. My insecurities had shown and rather than being able to help her, it had actually pushed her away. I honestly wouldn’t have remembered this if I hadn’t written it in my journal.

Anyhow, so what do I do when she decides to break up with me? Well first I try to bottle my own emotions and subvert my own feelings. I didn’t want our relationship to end so I start trying to find ways to make it work. Obviously I failed. Then in pain I make some stupid ass comment and that gets her to say, you know maybe we shouldn’t talk for some time.

That was really the start of the spiral of doom I think. I didn’t talk to her every day, but I had still been able to talk to her. I had been able to know she was alright, and while not knowing all the details of her life, I was still in her life. This was something of a more permanent step of removal in my mind. It was just one more step away from ever being able to reconcile, and one step closer to being abandoned. I think that honestly, had I given her space here we would have probably ended up back together.

But alas this was not to be the case. I couldn’t leave her alone. I would send her messages and stuff, and didn’t give her the space she needed. I was still hurting from subverting my own desires and needs. To top that off I was experiencing issues with my oldest son at home. I have never really had a big support network of friends and she was my best friend. I really needed her because I hadn’t let anyone else in enough to be willing to share how I was feeling. I was also going through the betrayal of a close friend of mine as well.

All I had wanted to do was be held. I wanted to be loved and to be told it was going to be alright. My ex was the only person I had at that time that could have filled the role, and she wasn’t capable of doing it. I pushed for it because there was no one else that I trusted enough to let in or to touch me for that matter.

Mistake #2, through all of that pain I realize that I would never be able to be just friends with her. I make arrangements to get the rest of the kids and my stuff from her house and try to sever ties then. Further isolating myself, and trying to protect myself from the pain that I was in. Trying to bottle it all up and not dealing with it.

Mistake #3, communicating with her in writing rather than in person. If its not clear by now, I obviously don’t filter myself very well in writing. I do get more full and complete thoughts, but they are one sided. I can’t know what the other person is thinking and / or feeling. Its a one sided conversation, and even if it was immediate responses, there is no inflection to them. I should have made an effort to talk to her in person and resolve things.

Mistake #4, being all over the place and conflicting with my emotions. I tried to bottle up my emotions and pretend to be okay for her. I struggled with bitterness and resentment. I was trying not to hurt her anymore because I knew how much she was hurting. It led to a heated email exchange though. Had I not been hurting so much and in such avoidance mode I would have seen her ask for me to go to counseling as a step of reconciliation. Instead it felt to me that she was saying there is something wrong with you, and you’re not good enough for me.

Mistake #5, responding to that email immediately. Yep here is where I really made an ass of myself. Really blew holes in any chance of reconciliation. It ended up with me saying I never wanted to talk to her again because it was going to lead to one or both of us hating each other.

Mistake #6,  So her work is on my way home from anywhere in town. To not drive by it is a big inconvenience for me. It adds several minutes to my drive to not drive by it. I do make an effort to purposely avoid it in the hours she is working, but otherwise I still take it. Anyhow, I was coming back at 10:30 at night and saw her car in the lot. I was concerned about her and sent a message. that message led to a few more messages and eventually into the exchange where my emotions truly broke free from where I had been suppressing them.

When I realized what happened, I broke everything. It was to late for me to fix it. It was to late for me to be honest or get help. My relationship with her has been forever destroyed, and it would take an act of God on her heart to ever have her trust me again. If I were in her shoes, I would feel that way too.

There are a couple of other big mistakes that are longer term ones. I think had I dealt with these a longtime ago I wouldn’t be where I am today. The biggest mistake I made is isolating myself. I’m an introverted person and I do enjoy my time alone, but I need to force myself to make friends and to have people to share the load with. It wasn’t fair to her that she was the only person I could share with. Even a couple more would have been more than sufficient.

The Bible sums up my situation fairly well in Ecclesiastes 4

9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor: 
10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.

Pity to me who had no one to help him up.

I can’t fix the mistakes I made with my ex fiance and make our relationship whole and right. All I can do is move forward. I am going to fix my long term mistake however. I am going to build a network of friends. I am going to let people in close no matter how hard it may be. Even if some leave or cause me pain, I will have enough friends to share the burden with. I want the sweet friendships that is talked about in proverbs 27. I want ones the refresh my soul.

Anyhow, that is all I have time to write. Thank you for taking the time to read.

Posted in Blog Posts, Ramblings


So I am writing these posts to help me open up and share the deepest and darkest parts of myself. I am currently working on finding a counselor and getting the help to walk through the things that I need. In an effort of self-reflection I write. I don’t mind sharing these dark things because I have the love of Christ to sustain me through. My hope is that by writing these out and sharing them that not only will I find healing, but maybe someone else will stumble across them and find solace in the fact they are not alone.

That dovetails in quite nicely with what I am planning to write about today. My fears. We all have them, some are irrational and others are warranted. I’ll start out with my biggest fear, and that is of truly being alone and unloved; abandoned by all of those who were supposed to care about me.

Many years ago my dad left my mom when I was really young. It messed with me. My dad wasn’t around and my mom didn’t really let us see him much at first. As we grew older he missed a whole lot of weekends with us and broke a lot of promises too. My mom worked all the time and my grandma really raised us. With my primary love languages being physical touch and quality time this made me feel so very alone. I wanted to be able to cuddle up next to my parents. I wanted lots of hugs and kisses, but neither of my parents were around much.

I also have a very sensitive soul. I’ve always cared for others, but I am not good with my emotions. I never have been. I wanted to explore and play with things, and I always wanted to have companions. However, the kids at school just seemed to compound my issues. They would hit me, call me names like Scotty Potty, and make fun of me relentlessly. I hung around the adults all the time and was labeled as a teachers pet. The reality was I just wanted adult attention. I wanted to be validated so badly by an adult. I never really received that validation from my peers.

When the few friends I had, like Amber, moved away I struggled with it. When my good friendships would drift apart and fall apart I didn’t know how to make new ones. When I was in 5th grade I made became really good friends with Steve. I was never quite sure if he were going to stay around. When I had my breakdown in Chicago he was there for me when no one else would. I’m morose about the fact that I never talk to him anymore.

Then I made friends with Tony, and through extension Ken and Matt. He was very good at dragging me out of my shell and making me do things I normally wouldn’t have done. I drove him nuts about my first crush so many times. She was all I could talk about. He still stayed my friend. Then he moved away our junior year of high school. We were’t really super close at that point, but we were still friends. It was another blow to me being close with anyone.

I could go into so many stories of girlfriends leaving and my insecurities, but I don’t really feel like writing a tome here.

The opposite side of that coin is that I have a hard time letting go. In the case of my children its a good thing. When my ex wife took off with them it led me to the search to find them. When it comes to things like relationships though, it has made me into the crazy ex more than a couple of times.What happens is that because I cherish my relatoinships and friendships so much I tend to put my own needs on the back burner. I put my own needs aside trying to make them happy, but eventually the insecurities start to show up.

With my ex-fiance it was manifesting itself as wanting to see her more. I should have told her that I needed more quality time together and explained to her what kind of physical touch I needed rather than just letting her do what she was comfortable with. When I talk about physical touch, I’m not talking about sex either. I mean t does work, but I’m talking about things like sitting on my lap or cuddling up with me. Coming up up behind me and putting her arms around me. Stealing a kiss when I’m not looking. I hate being the one that always initiates touch. I should have explained all of these things to her, but I didn’t. I was too worried about how she would respond.

This is where my fears manifest the most. I give so much of myself, but never ask for anything in return. I am to afraid that asking for anything would inconvenience the other person and they would not want to be my friend anymore. I realize these aren’t healthy relationships or thoughts, but its how I’ve been. So when people leave me, like my ex did, after having denied my own desires so much they come spewing out. I can’t deny them any longer and it breaks me. Then I end up saying stupid things because I’m lost in the torrent of those emotions. I’m trying to hold onto what is gone. If I would just learn to let things go maybe they would have come back. Instead I just break them because I’m broken too.

I have two other big fears that paralyze me. One is the rejection of physical touch. If I go to give someone a hug and they recoil it hurts me. When someone hits me it hurts me twice. It hurts physical, but emotionally as well. It is being the antithesis of what I actually need. It says you hate me rather than you love me.

My other fear is of asking women out. I have always had this issue. It always took me a lot to get up the courage to ask a woman out, but there was one that went out of her way to humiliate me. She was a freshman and I was a senior. She led me to believe she was interested in me, but she used me. She used me for rides and other things. She flirted with me and acted like she liked me, but when I asked her out she publicly humiliated and shamed me. She made a big deal out of it, and loud enough that a bunch of other people around us could hear too.

I still struggle with not being good enough. I suppose those fears really fall into line with the others as well. I apologize all of the time for things that don’t require it. I’m overly cautious for it.

I think I’m going to wrap this up for tonight, but if you made it this far, thank you for spending the time to read it. I have a feeling there will be several more of these posts coming in the next few days. I’m trying to sort through my emotions and get a better understanding of them. Trying to learn how to deal with them in healthier ways.

God Bless

Posted in Blog Posts, Ramblings


As some of you know, my engagement came to an abrupt end at the end of last year. I have been left to deal with all of the pain, sorrow, and heartache that goes with that.

Alas, I must admit that there are times I have become that crazy ex with this relationship. I think that had I been patient maybe she would have come back at some point, but my emotions run to strong and I lost myself in them a few times. Every time I lose myself in my emotions I say and do things that I regret. It pushes those I love further and further away from me. I let her into places of my heart that no one has ever been allowed to go before. I let myself trust her and be genuine with her. When she left, it tore me to shreds, and I have been trying to pick up the pieces and close that chapter of my life.

From my experience pain can really cause you to do one of two things. You can either become bitter, or you can become kind. It would have been very easy for me to be bitter. If I am honest, I was bitter for a short time, but I love her. I always will. As such, I hurt double. I hurt because she left, but I also hurt because I know she hurts too. My pain has made me kind, and compassionate.

As I look back over my life and contemplate what to do moving forward I am faced with the stark reality that my life has been full of sadness and pain. I cannot deny the fingerprints this has left on my life. There are very few bright moments that I remember. The pain always sticks with me.

  • My earliest memories are of my dad leaving and going between my mom and dad’s house. My step-mother wasn’t really nice to us. She just tolerated us kids, barely.
  • My closest friend betrayed me and became my biggest bully for years to come.
  • My friend Amber moved away and I never heard from her again. I still wonder how she’s doing.
  • I was absolutely horrible at PE. My classmates made fun of me so much for it.
  • I had a teacher tell me that I would never amount to anything in life. Thanks Mrs. Martin.
  • In 4th grade a bunch of boys ripped my pants off before school and shoved me down in the snow.
  • Missing the cut off for KAMSC was devastating for me. I stopped caring about school at that point.
  • I was coerced into doing sexual things with another boy when I was just barely in puberty.
  • I felt so desperately alone in middle school that I cut myself regularly and wanted to die.
  • I was publicly humiliated by a girl I asked out in high school. This still causes me issues with dating to this day.
  • The other boy scouts made fun of me for being scared of raccoons. I had one that just wouldn’t leave my tent alone.
  • I was so shy I never felt like I had any friends.
  • The first woman I loved left and I was devastated by it.
  • I got my ex-wife pregnant out of wed-lock and the church punished us even though we were trying to repent. They tried to convince us to give our child up for adoption since we really shouldn’t have been married.
  • I married my ex-wife and she had affairs on me.
  • She took off with the kids and ran off with another man.
  • My fiance left.

Those are just a few of the ones that I struggle with the most. I could easily justify bitterness and hatred. I could be mean and cold. I could be like a stone.

By the grace of God I am not. All the pain has made me softer. It has made me kinder. I value life and love. It is so short, and so precious. I have so much of it to give. I want to have deep meaningful friendships. I want to be more kind, and more generous. I want to love a woman who loves me back. Who knows that I’m willing to walk through anything, if they just stay.

There is only one problem, all the pain has made me guarded too. I don’t really know how to make friends or to let people in to see my pain. I’m more than willing to help someone with their burdens, but I guard mine so close. Some day I will learn to trust others and let them in, but that my friends is a post for another day.

Posted in Blog Posts

Sober Judgement

“If I don’t like your face, I can get rid of you.” That was a common statement from a former boss. He constantly told us he wanted us to be contract employees because he liked not having to deal with the union if he wanted to get rid of us. He said that he could just get my employer to replace us whenever he wanted.

Being a contract he certainly was entitled to ask for different employees. It was well within his rights. However, it isn’t his place to say those kind of things to the employees. Sure he was “joking” about it, but the Bible talks a lot about what we say:

Proverbs 12:18 – The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing

Proverbs 26:18-19 – Like a maniac shooting flaming arrows of death is one who deceives their neighbor and says, “I was only joking!”

What we say matters. In this case I was at the receiving ends of the words, but I didn’t chose the best of response either. I felt that I couldn’t approach him with genuine concerns and went a round about way through my employer. I went to them because I felt that I had needed protection from him. While I loved the work I did and most of the people I worked with, I couldn’t stay under him. I had talked with my employer about it. I miss the challenge of the work, and my coworkers. Especially the other 2 programmers. So in short I am no longer on that contract. It was mutual, but I wish it wouldn’t have had to be that way. I made my choices knowing the potential consequences of them.

I have spent the last couple of months really evaluating my motivations behind it, and it has caused growth inside me. It took me awhile to really nail down what I wrote above, but its been very freeing for me. I wish that I could have seen this earlier and put the value into my relationships. I would have invested in trying to restore that relationship. A note in and of itself would ring hollow and of self-justification.

On the other side of the coin God has really convicted me of my response to it. While I may not have done anything wrong, I could have done things better. I could have shown initiative and humility. I am here to serve and not be served. I let my anger get the better of me and the Lord hammered me: [Emphasis in bold]

In Romans 12

3 For by the grace given me I say to every one of you: Do not think of yourself more highly than you ought, but rather think of yourself with sober judgment, in accordance with the faith God has distributed to each of you.

Love must be sincere. Hate what is evil; cling to what is good. 10 Be devoted to one another in love. Honor one another above yourselves.11 Never be lacking in zeal, but keep your spiritual fervor, serving the Lord. 12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer. 13 Share with the Lord’s people who are in need. Practice hospitality.

14 Bless those who persecute you; bless and do not curse. 15 Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn. 16 Live in harmony with one another. Do not be proud, but be willing to associate with people of low position.Do not be conceited.

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everyone. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord. 20 On the contrary:

“If your enemy is hungry, feed him;
    if he is thirsty, give him something to drink.
In doing this, you will heap burning coals on his head.”

21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.

Proverbs 13:3 “Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.”

I wish I would have taken this to heart. I see the same types of sin in myself now. I see that I say things that are not edifying to my children. I have the same type of behavior for them as I received.

I find that as I write these posts God changes my heart and shows me more sin in my life to root out. While writing this God has convicted me with the proverbs verses listed above. How many times have I responded in anger with words that I shouldn’t? How often have I said “I was only joking.” Lord my prayer is that you teach me how to remove this sin from my life. Let me not joke in ways that are demeaning to others. I pray that for the strength, the character, and the wisdom to learn to control my tongue.

Posted in Blog Posts, Debt-Free Journey, Ramblings

Tipping Point


The Meriam-Webster dictionary defines a tipping point as “the critical point in a situation, process, or system beyond which a significant and often unstoppable effect or change takes place.”

In life, there are a lot of tipping points, when to end relationships, when you find a new job, when saying no to that cupcake is easier than it was the last time. When we reach a tipping point with something we often make changes in our lives.

I’ve been on the debt reduction journey for a few weeks now, and I have paid off almost $3,000. It involved selling somethings that I didn’t want to sell, but they were holding me back from being the person that I need to be.

So, to back up a few steps, for the last few years God has been working on my heart about collecting way too many things. In my case electronics, mostly. I would feel convicted when I would read about believers selling their things and giving to their brothers and sisters in need.  Then from time to time I would catch a Dave Ramsey program on the radio or hear about how someone would donate this, or donate that.

I always thought that is nice, but I’m a single dad and there is no way I could ever afford to do those types of things. I was barely getting by, or at least so I thought.

As I’ve come to study the Bible more, I have become more convinced that the way I was living was wrong. When I would read about tithing, I would tell myself that’s not for me. I am barely getting by.

Recently, at church, they did a 3-part sermon series on giving. It was all stuff I had heard before, but God had been working on building up a tipping point. Then to top that off my girlfriend is a saver, but she is also extremely generous. God used her to show me what it is like to be able to give without worrying about the money.

God used all those things to really break me, and start opening my heart to doing things his way. I had started all of this, and worked out the details of my debt when a couple of weekends ago, God really broke me on Sunday at church.

One of the church member’s sons had had a heart transplant and wasn’t doing well. The father couldn’t afford to be off work and had to come home and be separate from his son, while his son was in bed in a coma. There was no way he could know if his son would live or die. God really laid it heavily on my heart that I should be able to provide a weeks’ worth of pay for this man so he could go and be with his son.

It broke me. I had to tell God no. I didn’t have the funds to be able to do this. For all the faith I speak of having, I didn’t have the faith to say, “Yes Lord”. It really has been devastating on my heart.

God has done so much for me. He has changed my life for the better in so many amazing ways, and I had the audacity to not trust him to say “Yes” to his prompting.

This realization has been my tipping point. With all that God has taught me, and all that he has walked through with me; I cannot bear the thought of saying “No” to God again.

From this point forward, I will do my best to strive and say, “Yes Lord, I trust you” whenever I feel prompted by the Holy Spirit.