Posted in Blog Posts, Ramblings

Fear

So I am writing these posts to help me open up and share the deepest and darkest parts of myself. I am currently working on finding a counselor and getting the help to walk through the things that I need. In an effort of self-reflection I write. I don’t mind sharing these dark things because I have the love of Christ to sustain me through. My hope is that by writing these out and sharing them that not only will I find healing, but maybe someone else will stumble across them and find solace in the fact they are not alone.

That dovetails in quite nicely with what I am planning to write about today. My fears. We all have them, some are irrational and others are warranted. I’ll start out with my biggest fear, and that is of truly being alone and unloved; abandoned by all of those who were supposed to care about me.

Many years ago my dad left my mom when I was really young. It messed with me. My dad wasn’t around and my mom didn’t really let us see him much at first. As we grew older he missed a whole lot of weekends with us and broke a lot of promises too. My mom worked all the time and my grandma really raised us. With my primary love languages being physical touch and quality time this made me feel so very alone. I wanted to be able to cuddle up next to my parents. I wanted lots of hugs and kisses, but neither of my parents were around much.

I also have a very sensitive soul. I’ve always cared for others, but I am not good with my emotions. I never have been. I wanted to explore and play with things, and I always wanted to have companions. However, the kids at school just seemed to compound my issues. They would hit me, call me names like Scotty Potty, and make fun of me relentlessly. I hung around the adults all the time and was labeled as a teachers pet. The reality was I just wanted adult attention. I wanted to be validated so badly by an adult. I never really received that validation from my peers.

When the few friends I had, like Amber, moved away I struggled with it. When my good friendships would drift apart and fall apart I didn’t know how to make new ones. When I was in 5th grade I made became really good friends with Steve. I was never quite sure if he were going to stay around. When I had my breakdown in Chicago he was there for me when no one else would. I’m morose about the fact that I never talk to him anymore.

Then I made friends with Tony, and through extension Ken and Matt. He was very good at dragging me out of my shell and making me do things I normally wouldn’t have done. I drove him nuts about my first crush so many times. She was all I could talk about. He still stayed my friend. Then he moved away our junior year of high school. We were’t really super close at that point, but we were still friends. It was another blow to me being close with anyone.

I could go into so many stories of girlfriends leaving and my insecurities, but I don’t really feel like writing a tome here.

The opposite side of that coin is that I have a hard time letting go. In the case of my children its a good thing. When my ex wife took off with them it led me to the search to find them. When it comes to things like relationships though, it has made me into the crazy ex more than a couple of times.What happens is that because I cherish my relatoinships and friendships so much I tend to put my own needs on the back burner. I put my own needs aside trying to make them happy, but eventually the insecurities start to show up.

With my ex-fiance it was manifesting itself as wanting to see her more. I should have told her that I needed more quality time together and explained to her what kind of physical touch I needed rather than just letting her do what she was comfortable with. When I talk about physical touch, I’m not talking about sex either. I mean t does work, but I’m talking about things like sitting on my lap or cuddling up with me. Coming up up behind me and putting her arms around me. Stealing a kiss when I’m not looking. I hate being the one that always initiates touch. I should have explained all of these things to her, but I didn’t. I was too worried about how she would respond.

This is where my fears manifest the most. I give so much of myself, but never ask for anything in return. I am to afraid that asking for anything would inconvenience the other person and they would not want to be my friend anymore. I realize these aren’t healthy relationships or thoughts, but its how I’ve been. So when people leave me, like my ex did, after having denied my own desires so much they come spewing out. I can’t deny them any longer and it breaks me. Then I end up saying stupid things because I’m lost in the torrent of those emotions. I’m trying to hold onto what is gone. If I would just learn to let things go maybe they would have come back. Instead I just break them because I’m broken too.

I have two other big fears that paralyze me. One is the rejection of physical touch. If I go to give someone a hug and they recoil it hurts me. When someone hits me it hurts me twice. It hurts physical, but emotionally as well. It is being the antithesis of what I actually need. It says you hate me rather than you love me.

My other fear is of asking women out. I have always had this issue. It always took me a lot to get up the courage to ask a woman out, but there was one that went out of her way to humiliate me. She was a freshman and I was a senior. She led me to believe she was interested in me, but she used me. She used me for rides and other things. She flirted with me and acted like she liked me, but when I asked her out she publicly humiliated and shamed me. She made a big deal out of it, and loud enough that a bunch of other people around us could hear too.

I still struggle with not being good enough. I suppose those fears really fall into line with the others as well. I apologize all of the time for things that don’t require it. I’m overly cautious for it.

I think I’m going to wrap this up for tonight, but if you made it this far, thank you for spending the time to read it. I have a feeling there will be several more of these posts coming in the next few days. I’m trying to sort through my emotions and get a better understanding of them. Trying to learn how to deal with them in healthier ways.

God Bless

Posted in Ramblings

Rainy Sunday Ramblings

Greetings everyone,

I wish I was better at writing on a consistent basis. I greatly enjoy writing and it is very freeing for me. Lately I’ve been trying to make a lot of changes to my life, but these changes have been absorbing a lot of the energy I have.

However, I need to remember how important that writing is to me. It helps me free my mind to be creative and to process all the things going on in my life.

There has been a ton going on in my life that I want to share, but I’m not certain on if one post will do it justice.

I have entered a new relationship with a wonderful woman. It is a God honoring relationship and I’m honestly surprised by how easy it is to follows God’s will for a relationship if you are intentional on it.

God has been using that relationship as a catalyst for a lot of changes in my life. I am now attending church again regularly. I had been looking for a church, but not looking with any fervor. My life had been super busy, but only with unimportant things. I was just existing.

I started looking in earnest shortly after I met her. She is such an amazing godly woman, and I knew that if I really wanted a relationship with her that would last, I would need to start being serious about my walk with the Lord again.

For those of you who don’t know I’ve been separated and divorced from my ex-wife for over 4 years now. She had committed adultery, but she also had taken off with the kids across the country to her lover’s place.

I grew closer to God than I had ever been during the time they were missing. However, over the last 4 years I have been working to raise my kids by myself. After moving back, I didn’t find a church and started to do things on my own. Slowly, I drifted away from the importance of finding a church family. I would go once or twice a month to find a church, but it hadn’t been a priority for me.

Anyhow, I started checking out churches around here, and was pleasantly surprised when I went to the church she attends. It was amazing, and I have been attending it since. I really enjoy studying under the lead pastor.

As I’ve come back into the church God has really convicted me of the debt that I have accrued. Even more so than the debt, is all the junk that I have. All the unnecessary things I have picked up. To that end, I have been working on becoming more minimalistic, and working diligently to get out of debt at the same time.

In the last 30 days, I have managed to pay off over $3000 in debt. Some of that was from reducing funds I have in savings, others were from the sale or return of items I could get the money back for.

One of the most difficult things for me to part with was my Nintendo Switch. I loved the system and Breath of the Wild was/is an amazing game. However, it isn’t where my heart needs to be. I sold it because I was too attached to it.

 

Posted in Ramblings of a Single Dad

Breaking reality, an honest look at things I don’t want to see

Good Evening,

I read a blog post  yesterday about something called Gaslighting. It is basically a form of abuse used to make someone believe something that isn’t true. It shapes their reality to where they are the ones doing the wrong things, but its really the other person putting their guilt on them.

I have put a lot of thought into this. First I wondered if I did this to my ex. I can’t think of a time I may have done this, but it doesn’t mean I didn’t do it unintentionally.  I always try to look at myself first. I like to admit things that I do wrong, and focus on how to learn and change them.

I’m still unpacking what, when, and how my ex did this to me. A 10 year relationship is a long time go through, and now that I know what I’m looking for I suspect over time I will find more examples.

For those of you who don’t know, I met my ex-wife on AOL. Yes good old America On-Line. That brings back some memories. Being the kind of guy I am, I wanted to “rescue” someone from their situation. I fell for it hook, line, and sinker that is for certain. She had moved up to live with her grandparents in Michigan because, according to her, her mom’s side of the family wasn’t good to her. Then to top it off, after our first couple of dates I had to take her to the hospital because her heart was bothering her. Her grandma tried to give her some nitro and I flipped out on her. In retrospect I majorly over-reacted.

She took the opportunity to tell me how horrible her family was to her, and that her dad and uncle were going to shoot me. Looking back, I’m not certain that they ever actually intended to do so, but she had me convinced they were out to get me.

Anyhow, after about a week of being together I had to help her get a place because it was obviously not safe for her to be with her grandparents. At least in my mind it wasn’t. I was going to protect her. I was easy to manipulate. I was still devastated from a terrible break up 6 months prior.

So after being with her for about two months, we broke up. She called me 2 nights later saying that there was this crazy guy at the door telling her that she loved him, and blah blah blah she didn’t feel very safe. So I go up and “protect” her from him. Further building that dependence. We break up again in late spring, but shortly after the break up we find out she’s pregnant. Me, being the kind of person I am, wanted to be a part of my child’s life. This is what really tied the two of us together for the rest of the time we were together.

We went to the church, and they said we should get married, or give Kenny up for adoption. I couldn’t give my child up for adoption, it would have been easier to cut off one of my arms. I’ve always been one to take responsibility for the things that I do, and I knew I would love him.

So we stay together for awhile, but break up and get back together a few times after Kenny is born. I didn’t really want to stay with her, but I didn’t want to abandon Kenneth. My dad left when I was little, and I knew the trauma that caused to me. I couldn’t do that to another life. I wouldn’t do that to another life. Low and behold she ended up pregnant … again. This stuff happens when you live together and do stupid things. So I proposed to her, not so much out of love, but commitment. I figured we could make anything work with enough elbow grease, we could be happy.

So she wasn’t able to make the type of money I could make, so we decided she would be a stay at home mom because day care was more expensive than anything she would make.

So she became dependent on me, and we became dependent on government assistance. Our home was nasty, it wasn’t cleaned, dishes weren’t done, laundry wasn’t done, the floors weren’t swept, etc unless I took care of them. She had me convinced for a long time it was my fault the home looked like that. All I could do to handle the situation was to check out because I don’t like to fight. I don’t like being angry. I forgot to mention earlier, but she didn’t have her driver’s license either. I tried to teach her how to drive, but every time I took her out she almost killed me. We had friends from church that taught her how to drive, but she never would take the road test. She was to nervous. So yet another way she was dependent on me.

Things were OK until we moved to Jackson. She became involved with some unscrupulous people there in our trailer park. Things would end up missing, presumably sold. I also believe this is when she started sleeping around. I have no idea what she did with the stuff or the money she received from it. I imagine she had some kind of addiction I don’t know about. At this point I will probably never know the truth behind it. Moving along though, she convinced me that all of the arguments were my fault. That keeping the house clean should be my responsibility not hers. She “took care of the kids all day, and it was all she could do to take care of them.”

Of course, both of the kids start school and things around the house don’t get any better. In fact they get worse. She became so hooked to the internet, that nothing was done. There was times she even missed picking the kids up from the bus stop, and they walked home. Mind you this was a second grader and a kindergartner.

For the sake of honesty, I struggled with a pornography addiction throughout our entire relationship. I know it is demeaning and wrong, but she had just as much of an addiction with it as I did. Every time I wanted to put in controls she shot me down because I was “being controlling”. In the latter half of our relationship, that was what she would tell me every time I asked her to do anything. I was being a control freak. I will admit I can be a control freak, but only when I’m really insecure about things. I have always made an effort to not be one. Somewhere along the line she figured this out and started using it to manipulate me.

So the affair that I’m 100% certain of started mid 2010 I believe. I came home one day from work and saw a message on her computer from a guy saying “hey you, I love you.” So I questioned her about it, and she convinced me that I was over-reacting and it was just a cousin of hers I didn’t know. I was being irrational and it was nothing to worry about.

So fast forward 10-11 months. We’ve been fighting non-stop. Mostly about cleanliness issues. We had moved out of our last place because of mold, but they had to replace everything inside of it. It was that poorly taken care of. It was all new everything when we first moved in. The new place was starting to look like the old place, and the unit we were renting was brand new. No one had lived in it before.

Things came to a T early one morning, right after the kids had got on the bus. She was ready to be out of our relationship, she had found a new man to take care of her. I’m pretty sure she was trying to get me to hit her in that last fight. If you know me, I won’t hit a woman. Anyhow, she was up in my face screaming, spitting, and raised her fists to hit me multiple times. I was convinced I was in the wrong, but I told her I wanted a divorce. I couldn’t handle all of the fighting over everything. I then proceeded to rip the internet out of the house because its all she wanted to do. I took off to calm down. When I came home, I told her we needed to separate for awhile. I was expecting her to run off to one of her friends homes for a few days so things could go over and we both could calm down and assess things honestly. She shocked me when she said she was going to go stay with her sister in Texas. So she bought a train ticket with money from sources unknown to me, and took off to Texas the next morning.

It was at this point I found out about the affair. She had left her computer on. I went to shut it off, but Facebook was open with messages to her friend saying that I had beaten her and she was on the train to Texas. He then asked if I knew about “lover-boy” and she had said no. I started researching after that, and found out that she had been on the phone with this guy over the last year for 60 some odd days of talk time. She had been staying up all night talking to him, and then sleeping during the day when the kids weren’t at home. Its no wonder she didn’t have the patience to deal with them. I also found out that her sister lived just outside of Atlanta. Which she emphatically denied.

So my pastor talks to me the Monday after this, and God uses him to break me. After 6 weeks I convince her to come home, and work on the marriage. She is pregnant with Sam at this point. We went to marital counseling, and she refused to say if she slept with “lover-boy”, but I forgave her as if she did anyhow. She kept claiming that there was 1 day that she couldn’t remember. So eventually I start trusting her again, and things seem to be getting better, but here is where the deception really began. She had created a “secret” Facebook account, and was calling the guy at his mom’s house so I wouldn’t see his number on the bill. Eventually I figure it out and confront her on it. She says that he won’t stop calling her, blah blah blah, and convinces a friend of this by screaming in the phone at him while our friend was there.

Such a deceptive tactic. I believed her. It was enough to make me believe she had changed. it was all some elaborate show. A couple months later, she took off with the kids to be with “lover-boy”. She tried so hard to get me to believe that she was lost with her sister in Arkansas, and that her phone wasn’t working. She even went so far as to try and convince me that “lover-boy” had guns and was out to kill all of us. Even after I retrieved the children, she was still trying to get me to believe her. With emails and other things. The truth was known at that point.

I have screenshots and logs of all of that crazy stuff. Thankfully.

That is all I have for this evening.
Take care.